He chose me (Gretchen)

Today I felt drained. It wasn't because I didn't want to be here, it was because I have felt so deeply and have experienced plenty. My prayer was only to be blown away by the love of God. That's all I desired.

Today was heavy. Last year when I came to Rwanda, I learned the tragedy and death of the genocide that happened here in 1994. We went to the memorial last year, and earlier this week was my second time going. We stood by the mass grave of 200,000 lives lost.  If you don't know more than the shallow story of the genocide, please read online to understand the weight of that time so you can feel what I felt today. April 6th 1994 was the first day of the major genocide in this country. 1 million people in total lost their lives within the 3 dark months. People here say "Rwanda was dead". Anyone here over 20 or so witnessed the  genocide. Families were wiped out, parents lost their children, and children lost their parents. I tell you this to set you up for where we spent our time today. We were in a place called gasharu, which is a village for genocide survivors. This place is filled with widows, grandmothers, and children. In Rwanda if you don't have your father you're considered an orphan. We went to 18 different homes, which are made of mud brick homes (sturdy but small) the 3 little pigs definitely would have been good in these homes.  We heard a different testimony from each survivor of the genocide. They are now caring for their children and grandchildren the best they can. These women were extremely grateful for us to come face to face with them. Most of them prayed for us before we left. Wow. They are truly strong woman of God who desperately clung to faith in the middle of hell. Their memories and disasters still tug on their hearts. They speak of the genocide as if it was only a year ago. Every day they hang on even though it has to hurt more than we can imagine. There are scars both physically and emotionally that they carry. Machete was the weapon of choice during the genocide. We saw hack marks on their heads, arms, and legs. They told us they either ran and his,
or fakes their deaths.  It became very real for me during those visits. There was a little 6 year old boy who clung to me from the time we got off the bus.  I have never had a child gaze into my eyes like he did. I felt so much compassion for him that I can't put into words. He would always find me in the crowd as if I was only his. God really burdened my heart for him in a way I had never experienced before. I can't wait to tell his story in real life. We walked up to one home as a feeble grandmother on crutches came out and greeted us. The same little boy came up front and stood with her so we knew this was his family and his home. Next a young woman came out alongside of the grandmother. Here is their story the grandmother told. "I am the one he calls mom, this is my daughter who is now mentally disabled due to them (genocidaires) trying to kill her in the head, (next she lifts up her daughters skirt to show scar on her knee from a machete) Her daughter was beaten in the head so much that she suffered permanent damage and trauma. This shows us that the daughter was most likely taken advantage of about 6 years ago and had Reponse. She is in no state to fully care as a mother. The  grandmother takes the role of mom to her hurt daughter and this little boy. Reponse doesn't even know that she is actually his mom. They keep it from him. He sees her as his older sister. This story broke my heart. He is very very feeble like his mother. Each time I held him I was so soft and careful because I didn't want to hurt him. This is just one story that rocked me and cut really deep. The sacrifice of this grandmother is too much to grasp. How does she do it? The struggle this family has is too much to bear. He is so little  because he lacks many things, and is also HIV positive. (There were thousands and thousands of women raped during genocide and disease was transferred). I hugged him tighter after I heard about his life. And I watched him closer as our day came to an end. He laughed, played, and ran wild just like any kid does. Today he is okay and lives in Hope because he is a child of God. I don't know if he has enough food and clean water and that completely breaks me. Life is changing for them  through Best Family Rwanda (BFR) and a sponsorship program! These are the stories I ignore and assume someone else handles. I was hit in the face with the realization that sponsoring a child actually saves them. Right now about 40 out of hundreds of the kids in this village are sponsored by fundraising that will only last the rest of the year. Once that runs out, a new sponsorship will be in full force in 2014, so its then up to commitment of people who are willing. Some kids will be chosen, and others won't. I don't understand, and that is tough to swallow. Sponsoring means school, food, and health insurance. I will make sure my little guy Reponse is sponsored and covered. I could make some excuses like i always have as to why I can't support, but the weight of this compels me. This is how I know The Lord is real: this little tiny boy chose me with a look, It just so happens I specifically got to go hear his families story, and the weight that was put on my heart was like I had never experienced before. Before we left I gave him my full water bottle, I smiled and gave him a thumbs up. He gave me the biggest smile back, held up his water bottle as if it was treasure, and gave me a thumbs up. His grandmother stood right beside him and smiled! It made me the happiest because that was enough for him that moment. I wanted to hold him, give him what he needed, and love him with everything in me. I didn't want to leave him. This will change me forever: Jesus knows us in a crowd, he knows us in a world that is huge and poor in spirit. Jesus sees us as if I we are only his. Just as I am weak, worn, and my heart is lacking, Jesus wants so badly to save me from that.  He has compassion for me. He wants to give me more than enough,  I just need to choose him. Today He showed more of his heart for me and for these children in a little village in Africa. I looked into His eyes.

I don't want to be "that girl" who goes to Africa and takes pictures of orphans so that you can say "aww" or "Gretchen is so good for going over there". This is not about me. Please let this grow your faith as you hear how He has grown mine in just 1 day.

Sorry for the grammar and scattered thoughts, this is on an iphone. I would love to share more stories, this is just a glimpse! I do miss home. Thank you for caring and reading. My other 3 regular folks will also have their stories to tell!
-April, Joe, TJ

Love you all!
-Gretchen